Parenting Today
Are you one of the 48% of parents who feel overwhelmed by invisible household tasks?
Navigating the labor required behind the scenes can lead to physical and mental distress, so sharing that load with your partner is crucial. Fortunately, recognizing something needs to change is the first step.
What Is the Invisible Load?
The invisible load of parenting encompasses all the unseen tasks that happen in a household. This “second shift” occurs on top of other work and is often easy to miss, as most of it is done behind the scenes. This “invisible work” would be paid if it were outsourced to others, but when parents do it for their own family, it often goes unnoticed.
Mental Work
Much of the invisible load is mental work. Making appointments, filling out forms, coordinating schedules, ordering household goods, and planning ahead for events are all tasks that often go unnoticed by others.
Emotional Work
The emotional side of parenting is also frequently invisible. Helping kids through behavior changes, their own emotional struggles, keeping up relationships with family and friends, and answering challenging questions can take a toll.
Stress from the Invisible Load
Who Carries the Load
In some households, the invisible labor of parenting is shared equally, but evidence suggests that in many, mothers take on a larger share of the burden. According to a study published in 2024, mothers take on about 71% of the invisible tasks of the household and parenting, while fathers only take on about 45%. This consistently unequal division leads to resentment, burnout, and higher stress levels for mothers.
Why Asking Doesn’t Always Help
The first response to this unequal division is often to say “mothers should just ask for help,” but it’s more complicated than that. Across research studies, fathers think the workload is far more equal than it is, leading them to feel overburdened if their partners ask for help.
But there’s another reason that “just asking” doesn’t always help — the asking part is a task in itself. To truly take invisible work off your plate, your partner needs to assume full responsibility for the task. If you have to ask or remind, then the task is still part of your workload.
Strategies for Sharing the Load
With some active work, it’s entirely possible (and beneficial!) to share the invisible load with your partner or co-parent. Be prepared to redistribute the invisible load, even if that means taking on tasks you don’t love or letting some tasks fall off the radar entirely.
Start from Scratch
Just because mom currently completes task XYZ doesn’t mean that it needs to be transferred to dad in the exact same form. Partners who are working to share the invisible load need to sit down and start from scratch. Make a list of every visible and invisible household/parenting task, then begin re-prioritizing as a team. This process can be challenging, but using a system like Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play can help you navigate it successfully.
Regular Check-Ins
After reworking the balance of tasks, be prepared to continue having regular check-ins with your partner. As kids grow and seasons change, the parenting tasks will shift and require adjustments. Scheduling regular check-ins also gives both parents a space to bring up concerns and ask for changes without feeling like they’re complaining or nagging.
Shared Lists and Automated Tasks
Many tasks require input from both parents, like grocery shopping. Having shared lists in these cases makes it easy for everyone to contribute without needing reminders. Use a family calendar system to ensure everyone is aware of appointments and plans. Having a physical calendar in your home also helps kids see who’s doing what.
Automated tasks also help minimize the load. Set up deliveries and recurring reminders to ease the burden.
Parenting Self-Care
The stress and burnout that come with the invisible load of parenting can often cause unwanted reactions to our children and their needs. Yelling, waffling on boundaries, and making rushed decisions can all get in the way of the parents we want to be. Building in self-care time with your newly found decreased invisible workload means that you’ll be a better parent.
Letting Things Go
One of the obstacles to sharing the mental load is often subconscious self-sabotage. When parents transfer a task to their partner, they need to fully release control over its execution. Micromanaging and worrying about the outcome keeps the task on your own plate.
Letting go of control can be difficult and takes practice. Be gentle with yourself if you’re struggling with this aspect of sharing the invisible load. However, actively working on your internal narrative surrounding this control is imperative to truly giving yourself some breathing room.
Building in Time for Yourself
Letting your children see that self-care is important will help them build that routine into their lives as they grow up. Model taking breaks, going out with friends, and holding firm boundaries around your own self-care needs. Put some of your self-care time on the shared family calendar so the kids can see that you’re prioritizing your own health.
