Parenting Today
Approaching bedtime often comes with anxiety: Will the kids cooperate tonight? How many tantrums will there be?
Fortunately, there are strategies that can help make bedtime work more smoothly for everyone. Here are some expert-backed solutions to the most common bedtime challenges. The good news is that many solutions address more than one concern, so incorporating even one new technique into your routine can really pay off.
Heavy Work Before Bed
Problems it can target: extra energy at night, big emotions, feeling overwhelmed, inability to follow through on tasks
Children are still learning how to use their bodies and the world around them, and during times of stress (or tiredness!), it can be hard to choose an activation level that matches the situation.
If your child has big energy, feelings of overwhelm before bed, or seems overly distracted, try incorporating heavy work about 30 minutes before your routine. Based on occupational therapy principles, heavy work is any activity that requires pushing or pulling on joints.
Don’t confuse this with activating play, like tickle fights. Heavy work should be fun, but it focuses on having your child engage their muscles. Favorite evening heavy work games include pillow crashes, rolling each other up in blankets, pushing a heavy laundry basket to the mudroom, and animal walk challenges.
Worry Bubbles and Journaling
Problems it can target: spiraling thoughts, worry about tomorrow, lingering frustration from the day, wanting to talk to you well past lights out
Many kids wait until bedtime to process challenging feelings. This often happens because they’re too tired to keep up a mask anymore or because they finally feel safe and relaxed enough to talk (our cortisol levels are lowest at bedtime!).
Regardless, handling big feelings at bedtime can be a challenge. For kids who are prone to worry or spiraling thoughts, a “worry bubble” is a great way to let them briefly process their concern and then let it go. Have them visualize their worry floating far away in a bubble, or choose these other metaphors that might match your child better.
For children with lingering thoughts from the day or stories they want to keep telling, try introducing a journal. Incorporate 10 minutes of journal time into your nightly routine and require them to write or draw every night. You can read it together the next day and discuss if they want, but the process mostly acts as a physical release for all of those pent-up thoughts.
Build in Calming Connection
Problems it can target: loneliness, refusal to stay in bed, asking for food and water, fears
Most families know that a genuine connection at bedtime is important, so they read books, sing songs, or share bath time together. However, for some kids, these activities can be activating and leave them wanting more connection rather than feeling satiated.
Adding calming connection to your routine will be a trial-and-error process to find what works for your child, but here are activities to try that both build intimacy and can help children regulate their own bodies.
- Color together; have a special coloring book that’s just for bedtime.
- Read non-fiction books; for many kids, stories activate their imaginations more than they can handle at bedtime.
- Do yoga together; you can find Cosmic Kids Yoga and other great channels online.
Use Visual Cues and a Strict Routine
Problems it can target: refusal to stay in bed, tantrums, becoming overtired
Parents often try to alleviate bedtime struggles by letting kids pick the book, the music, the toothpaste flavor, the order of getting ready, and which stuffy sits on the bed.
Unfortunately, the truth is that bedtime is the worst time of day for children to be making choices. Their impulse control is gone, they’re tired and overwhelmed, and (like many adults) they have decision fatigue from the day.
Creating a solid routine and using visual cues to back it up is the kindest thing you can do for your tired child. Work together to create a chart showing the bedtime routine. Use pictures for younger children and time cues for older ones. At this stage, you can let them make choices! Let them decide whether pajamas come before or after brushing their teeth, and whether you’ll read two books or three. Include everything from “last drink of water” to “saying goodnight to the cat.” The key is that once the schedule is set, they don’t get to adjust it. Stick to it calmly and consistently.
If your child has a history of bedtime struggles, make the schedule generous to allow for extra cuddles or songs; that way, you won’t have to go “off script” when they need some extra attention. After a week or so of the strict routine, your child’s nervous system will adapt and ultimately feel more regulated, since they know what to expect each night without fail. family goals. Getting everyone involved leads to more buy-in! Write up your family’s vision and values to put somewhere prominent in the house for the coming year.
