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Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Ask Alma: ‘My Unmarried Daughter Is Pregnant”

Alma Gill
Alma Gill

Dear Alma,

I am crushed and ashamed that my daughter is pregnant. My young, unmarried, “from a Christian home” daughter is pregnant. This is just the worst thing that could have happen. Her father died when she was young, and I feel like this is all my fault. I sent her to visit family for the summer and she came back pregnant. How can I ever show my face in church again?

Darlena C., Tulsa, Oklahoma

Lookahear, sister Mary Magdalene, I’m not sure what church you attend, but you need to find one with some scared-kneed folks. Sure, this is a bad situation, but let’s put things into their proper perspective:

First, why is it that mothers feel so totally guilty when our young, unwed daughters get pregnant? Are we simply embarrassed, or are we pained by the future that lies ahead for them – a future we view through the prism of our own failed life choices and experiences?

Mother to mother, you do need to ring your daughter’s bell one good time – with words, of course, nothing demeaning or physical. Lay it all out. Let her know that you are disappointed. You’ve got to or you’ll release that negative energy in another direction. Be clear that disappointment does not mean you won’t support her. Reassure your daughter that you love her unconditionally. Don’t forget to give her a hug.

You’ve got to make a decision right here, right now, to support your daughter and lay down the future rules of engagement. For example, she will be a mother! Not the baby mama, baby friend or co-mother to Grandmama’s baby. You hear me? This is not your baby. As for your church family, rise above the whispers of your “we-don’t-sin” Christian friends (and you stop doing it, too, in case you were a part of that group). Find some “here-comes-trouble” Bible-reading sisters and brothers. You know what they say – trouble don’t last always, but “him and his boys” are always waiting for you, just around the corner. After you make your way through these muddy waters, the baby will be born healthy and as cute as ever. You’ll look down into those beautiful brown eyes and see the faces of your loved ones who have gone on to glory. You’ll also see that expression – Grandma, you got me, right? LMBO. Get ready to love your grand like no other. Don’t be embarrassed. We all have neck bones in our closets. It’s just that some of us have gone vegetarian and forgot when we use to eat meat.


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