Parenting Today
If you’re a parent, then you’re familiar with feeling overwhelmed. One particularly frustrating version of this is parenting guilt. Understanding why you feel this way and how to lessen its impact is key to reclaiming the joys of parenthood.
Types of Parent Guilt
Parent guilt can have a lot of signs and symptoms, but the reasons behind it usually fall into one of these categories.
Making the “Wrong” Decision
Most parents have a general idea of how they’d like to operate, but the reality of parenting means we don’t always make decisions in line with that plan. Whether it’s buying an overpriced ice cream at the park, letting your kids stay up too late while you finish work, or saying “no” to a last-minute fun outing with friends, parents can later feel guilty that they mishandled the situation.
Disappointing Your Kids
One of the most challenging types of parent guilt to handle is feeling like your kids are upset because of your decisions. On the other hand, this is also the kind of guilt that’s easiest to reframe, because you know that part of parenting is making hard choices that children won’t always understand.
Feeling Resource-Limited
In today’s world, many parents feel guilty about their inability to spend enough time with their kids. Having limited funds to go on vacations, buy the latest items, or fund your child’s sports team can also leave overwhelmed parents feeling guilty. When we see other parents who manage to “do it all,” the guilt can set in.
Handling the Guilt
Avoiding parent guilt entirely is unrealistic, but there are several ways you can learn to cope better and reduce the toll it takes on your well-being.
Find a Network
Having other parents who won’t judge your feelings of guilt can be a lifeline. It’s important to know you’re not alone with these feelings and to have friends you can call on for support if you’re struggling. Real-life parenting examples can ease your guilt far better than curated social media feeds.
Set Realistic Expectations
It’s crucial to set expectations based on what you can actually achieve versus what others can (or even what you previously thought you could!). Set yourself up for success by creating routines that will support you on days you’re overwhelmed, and don’t shy away from adjusting your goals along the way. As your children grow and your life unfolds, initial parenting plans should change. Remember: We expect kids to learn lessons, so why shouldn’t parents, too?
Practice Self Compassion
How would you talk to a close friend who feels parenting guilt? Chances are, with more compassion than you give yourself. Try to step back and give yourself grace through the parenting journey. Acknowledge everything you do well and how much you’re juggling. And take breaks! You’re less likely to feel guilty about parenting decisions or mistakes if you’ve had time away to reset and reflect.
Reframing Your Feelings
Working through parent guilt can also mean challenging the idea that the feeling is even “guilt” in the first place. Remember that emotions are complex, layered, and serve a purpose.
Get Curious
Often, we rush to identify our feelings as “guilt,” but is that really what’s going on? Getting curious about your feelings can offer insight into ways to reframe. For many parents, guilt is disguising fear — fear of embarrassment or judgment from other adults. Parenting from a place of fear will make it harder to trust your own intuition and stick to your values. Practice being comfortable with the idea that not everyone will like your decisions; the only people who matter are your co-parent(s) and children.
The Importance of Modeling
One of our most vital tasks as parents is to model behavior for our children. Everything from planning a garden to dealing with unexpected bad news is an opportunity to show children that adults have a full range of emotions and need to practice handling them appropriately.
When you feel parent guilt creeping up, think of it as an opportunity to model handling uncomfortable feelings for your children. Don’t hide 100% of your guilt from them. Instead, take the chance to have a talk: “I’ve been feeling guilty that I was so stressed last week. Can we talk about that?” By acknowledging your own insights and then modeling a healthy way to handle the repercussions, your children will see that their own guilt doesn’t need to be hidden or feared as they grow.
Deep Down, It’s About Caring
At the heart of all feelings of guilt, there’s love and care. When you feel stuck in the middle of a guilty episode, remind yourself that you have this feeling because parenting matters to you. Whether or not you’ve made mistakes, the fact that you care enough to reflect on them means you’re already doing a great job.
