Parenting Today
Disciplining your young child is one of the most challenging things you will do as a parent. Sometimes, it’s hard to stay calm when your preschooler throws a tantrum.
Responding to negative behavior is not effective in the long term, and yelling at your child or spanking them can have long-term negative consequences, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Realizing that children ages five and under go through different developmental stages and lovingly using positive discipline, like the techniques below, can guide them toward better behavior.
How to Handle Tantrums
Tantrums are a typical part of a child’s development because when they are under five years old, they don’t have coping skills yet, according to clinical psychologist Ray Levy, PhD, via Parenting.com.
A temper tantrum may include crying, yelling, screaming, and biting — a child may throw one because they aren’t getting what they want.
So, what should you do when your child throws a tantrum? Levy offers some tips:
- Always model nonviolent behavior as an example of handling conflict. Stay calm, and don’t yell, spank, or hit your child.
- Stop aggressive behavior like hitting or kicking immediately. Let your child know it’s okay to be angry, but it’s never okay to hit or bite someone.
- Use brief, simple commands like “Don’t throw your blocks,” and then divert them with a task (“Let’s draw!”).
- Hug them firmly. A hug can help them settle down and show them you care if they are frustrated.
- If you’re in a public place, move them to a different location, like your car. Gently explain your feelings and expectations. When they calm down, repeat your request that may have set them off, and praise them when they follow your wishes.
How to Use Time-Out Effectively
Many parents use time-outs, which can be effective if you use them properly. To do so, don’t use a time-out as punishment. Instead, use them to diffuse an emotionally charged situation, help your child manage frustration, and regulate their own behavior, according to the Child Mind Institute.
First, you should set guidelines for what behavior will result in a time-out, and the process should be consistent. Designate a time-out space, like a kitchen chair, and make sure your child knows where the “time-out chair” is. When using a time-out:
- Call time out immediately after bad behavior and explain why. “No taking toys from your brother. Go to time out.”
- Set a timer for one minute for each year of your child’s age and advise them when the time out ends.
- Don’t talk to your child or give them toys or books during the time out.
- If they get up before time is up, put them in a second space (like a bedroom with no fun distractions). Tell them they will stay there for one minute and restart the original time out in the original spot. Repeat this until they understand it’s best to stay put the first time.
- After time out, praise your child for something — like being nice to their sister –— to reinforce that you love them.
How to Use Logical Consequences
Using logical consequences to discipline a child can teach them a valuable lesson that consequences follow inappropriate actions. Psychology Today offers some great examples.
For instance, if your 3-year-old child hits her brother because he won’t give her a toy she wants, look at her in disbelief and say, “We don’t hit each other in our family. What happens next?”
If she seems clueless, role play being her brother and her telling him she’s sorry. Then, help her understand she needs to apologize directly to her brother.
The same goes if your son makes a mess. Don’t yell or use time out. Instead, say, “Wow, what a mess. You know what comes next, right?”
If he complains about cleaning it up, don’t deviate. Ask if he wants to do it himself or wants help. If he doesn’t budge, start picking things up, tell him what you’re doing, and ask him what to do next together.
If he still refuses, tell him you will finish alone but will put things away, and he won’t have access to them for at least a day (or a timeframe you decide).
Set Boundaries and Teach Empathy
Setting boundaries teaches your young child what behavior is inappropriate or expected. For example, no hitting, no grabbing someone else’s toy, and no interrupting when someone else is talking.
The Child Mind Institute explains that boundaries can also apply to social interactions and treating each other respectfully. You can teach the importance of empathy by asking, “How do you think your little brother feels when you tell him he can’t play?” Then, ask, “How would you feel if he did that to you?”
If your child understands boundaries and learns empathy, it promotes good behavior.
Be Consistent and Always Recognize Good
Being consistent with any discipline technique is essential, according to Harvard Health Senior Faculty Editor and pediatrician Claire McCarthy, MD.
Once you say no to something, stick to that no. It is confusing if you set a rule and allow your child to break it — or break it yourself periodically. This is especially vital for any behavior that hurts someone else.
Finally, using positive discipline techniques is an excellent approach. Remember to always look for and recognize the good things your child does and praise them often. Positive reinforcement boosts self-esteem, promotes good behavior, helps children feel secure, and emphasizes your love even when they make mistakes.
