Parenting Today
Every parent knows the telltale signs of a kid who’s not eager to cooperate with an unwanted task. While yelling and bribing might be options that get results, they’re not techniques that actually create the cooperative spirit you’re after. Fortunately, other approaches will help everyone stay calmer.
Why Yelling and Bribing Don’t Work
Yelling, bribing, and handing out consequences can seem like the only option for many parents. They try to use other techniques, but the only things that seem to work are these tactics. Unfortunately, what they call “working” might actually be leading to some less desirable outcomes.
Unintended Consequences
When your child learns that you’ll yell, threaten, or bribe to get their cooperation, they’re really learning some of these lessons:
- Compliance and obedience without question
- Fear of consequences that trumps critical thinking
- Development of coping skills and routines that avoid difficult things
- Suppression of emotions that cause conflict
- Lying and manipulation to get a better outcome
By no means are these outcomes assured just because you yell or offer bribes to get cooperation sometimes. Every parent hits their limits. Instead, think of these outcomes as things you’re trying to avoid as the intended plan. If yelling, bribing, or giving harsh punishments are the status quo, these outcomes are more likely.
How to Encourage Cooperation
What should you do instead? Having a plan ahead of time makes it easier to implement it in the moment. You should also talk about cooperation with your kids before the event so that everyone knows the expectations.
A few key components of good cooperation plans:
- Give ample warning ahead of the task.
- Ask kids if they have questions about requirements ahead of time.
- Set them up for success; build in buffer time.
- Be consistent; require similar levels of cooperation in similar situations.
- Practice tasks that are new or particularly challenging; make it a fun game!
- Ask them for ideas about making the event run more smoothly; you might be surprised by their creativity! When they have agency, they’ll feel more likely to cooperate.
Tips for Implementing Your Cooperation Plan
Developing a plan is one thing, but putting it into practice? That will take time and consistency.
Lay Consistent Groundwork
This part is crucial, but it takes time to develop. If you want your kids to cooperate, they need to see several things consistently:
- You mean what you say. You follow through with positive and negative consequences, and everyone (including parents) is expected to follow through on their promises.
- You care about their thoughts and feelings. You don’t dismiss them as unimportant or belittle their reactions.
- You aren’t scared of their feelings. Happy, sad, and everything in between is accepted because they’re human, and you’re a safe, stable place for them to feel.
- Everyone has a chance to contribute to the family goals and plans. Parents make the final decisions, but kids’ ideas are valued and encouraged, too.
- There is always a time to debrief and share thoughts and feelings outside of difficult moments. Hard conversations are not avoided.
Think About Your Goals
On the surface, your goal is to get your kids to cooperate with the current task, but dig a bit deeper. Knowing (and recognizing) your other goals can make it easier to stay calm in the moment and stick to the plan you’ve developed for encouraging cooperation. When you have a clear vision in mind, small bumps like whining or longer wait times are no big deal. Think about whether any of these other goals are in play, too:
- Helping your child learn problem-solving skills
- Staying on track with an important routine
- Avoiding unwanted results like a meltdown from hunger
- Modeling healthy choices in the current situation
Keep Focusing on the Task
Put yourself in your kids’ shoes during a difficult task. They have one thing in mind: Don’t do it. Once you introduce the topic of compliance or cooperation, they now have a new goal: make mom or dad less angry. How does that happen? If you’re yelling, they comply to stop the anger. If you’re bribing, they wait until it’s a good enough offer to agree. Instead of thinking about the actual task at hand, they’re thinking about your interaction.
What can you do? Keep the task as the central focus. Acknowledge how hard it is, how much they don’t like it, or the feelings they’ve shared in the past. Point out a part that’s already gone well. Talk about what it will feel like to complete the task or build this new skill. You can talk about their struggle while keeping everyone focused on the goal.
If you’ve previously used other tactics to get cooperation, understand that adjusting to a new status quo might take a while. The results are worth it!
