By Lornet Turnbull
Special To The Medium
Seven years ago, Kyana Wheeler and her husband, Doug, found themselves struggling to keep their marriage alive. Often angry at one another and barely talking, they were seriously entertaining a separation after only three years.
At an event some friends invited them to, Wheeler said she found herself mesmerized by a panel of Black women discussing how they’d pulled their own marriages back from the brink. These are women whose husbands had been unfaithful, or who had been to prison or who had lost everything in business.
“I needed to see strong women with strong men who were willing to push through together,” she said. “That night, we recommitted to building our lives together.”
The event, which Wheeler credits with saving her marriage, had been organized by the Black Marriage Movement, a little-known, all-volunteer initiative working to help strengthen the Black family structure by supporting Black marriages.
The movement was started by Renton couple Heidi Henderson-Lewis, and her husband, Terrence — professionals in the area of youth and family counseling who have seen first-hand the impact broken families can have on African-American children.
Terrence Lewis, who at the time was working with fathers on programs inspired by the African American Healthy Marriage Initiative, had organized a one-time event in the fall of 2009 as a way to celebrate those dads. That event became an annual affair, initially known as the Seattle Fall Ball, and later as the Black Marriage Ball. It is the centerpiece of the Black Marriage Movement, which the Lewises launched the following year.
“We are supporting the system that really supports Black kids,” Heidi Henderson-Lewis said. “The idea is around supporting healthy relationships and we see how youth benefits when parents are together and strong. Promoting marriage is a good thing.”
Studies show that children raised by married parents are more economically stable and do better in school, among other factors. But the African American Health Marriage Initiative points to studies that show that between 1960 and 1995, the number of African-American children living in such households declined from 75 percent to 33 percent.
The ball is a way to support those couples who are defying the statistics. It’s a sort of date night for hundreds of Black married couples, or couples where at least one spouse identifies as African American. Scheduled this year for Nov. 3 in Renton, it’s an evening of dinner and entertainment and where humor is at times used as a way to confront the challenges couples face as they try to keep their marriages vibrant and strong. It’s also a way for couples to love on each other, unabashedly. Many couples spend the night at the hotel to enjoy a breakfast with other couples the following morning.
The ball attracts people from throughout the Pacific Northwest – from those just starting out in their 20s to couples well into the 80s. And with families scattered across the region and demographic shifts pushing them further away, it’s also a way for newcomers to meet other couples, Henderson-Lewis said.
“The ball is a moment in the movement,” she said. “It’s about taking care of your own marriage, not letting the people you know get a divorce, trying to provide support.”
For Tacoma empty nesters Robin and Ernest Henderson who attended for the first time last year, it was an escape when things at home grew hectic.
Robin Henderson said she used to see friends’ Facebook pictures from the annual ball and finally started fussing at them about why she wasn’t invited. Last year, one couple bought her and her husband tickets to the ball and another paid for their hotel-night stay.
“I was completely and totally amazed at all the love and camaraderie, the fellowship, getting a chance to see folks we hadn’t seen in a long time,” said Robin Henderson, who is a gospel singer.
The outing had come at a time when two of her adult children had returned to the nest with their own children “and before you know it we had a house full of children and grandchildren and a dog.
“We had to try to find that space and time for ourselves,” added Henderson. “That’s what this ball did for us.”
But the ball is only one part of the Black Marriage Movement, which also helps support Black couples and families through educational and recreational activities – whether that’s something as simple as a camp outing or a cruise.
It also sponsors seminars and workshops on topics important to couples, like the kind of panel discussion that helped the Wheelers turn their marriage around.
Seven years later, Kyana Wheeler said “we have an amazing relationship.” Friends made through the movement, she said, “have poured into our marriage. People have suggested books and some of those we live by.”
She said they’ve attended other seminars as well as the Fall Ball, where the fellowship with other couples brings comfort and support.
“One of the things I love about the ball is that we celebrate longevity and talk a lot about the reality of taking time to be together and how things can get in the way,” said Wheeler.
Couples typically learn about the ball through word of mouth and Facebook, Henderson-Lewis said. Each year, tickets go on sale in May and are usually gone by July. There’s a wait-list for this November’s event and organizers have entertained opening it up to more couples, depending on the demand.
Henderson-Lewis has visions of the Movement doing more to support Black married people. The organization is in the process of forming a travel club and “we want to have a hotline where couples can call and ask questions proactively.
“We’d like to walk in parades and pass out relationship flyers,” she said. “We want to match couples with mentors.”
There’s been interest in starting movements in other cities and she believes it would do best in places demographically similar to Seattle.
Henderson-Lewis said organizers want to create an awareness campaign around healthy relationships that encourages people to find counseling when they need it. So often, she points out, African-Americans tend to bottle up their feelings and problems.
“We don’t want to air our dirty laundry, while in other cultures, people run to coaches and counselors to get support and have wonderful marriages,” she said. “We need to find a way to tell people to take care of their marriages, read a book, get some enrichment… go on vacation.”
